Monday, June 20, 2005


It's funny how your emotions can come as a surprise. Although I'd got quite excited about trying for a baby and thinking about the possibility (which seemed vague at the time) of becoming a dad, a big part of me was still treating it as a game. Another big part of me still didn't want our attempts to work. (My secret silent prayer was frequently "God, it's up to you whether we have children or not - but I'd really rather we didn't, thanks".)

But when Mrs T told me her test was positive I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.

It's quite surprised me how much that feeling has stayed with me. I know it's only ten days since the day the grinning started, but I have become consumed with thoughts about pregnancy, birth, parenthood, and all sorts. I've been really looking forward to telling people, and trying to think of clever ways of doing so. (Though it's far to soon for that yet; we'll keep up the pretense for now.)

And now, this evening, another emotion kicks in. I mentioned earlier that Mrs T had a bit of a bleed today. Kaz tells us that one in four pregnant women bleed at some point, and it's not necessarily a sign of a problem. But in the same paragraph she tells us that bleeding is usually the first sign you get of a miscarriage. I have been worried sick since Mrs T mentioned it this evening. She's staying off work tomorrow, and has asked me to stay home, too, as she doesn't want to be home alone if there's anything wrong. I hope I'll not have to take her to the doctor, but at this early stage we have to be prepared for anything.

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